The One With the Suckish Week

it's been a particulary suckish week.
not that anyone cares..because i don't know anyone who reads this except me.
but ya know.
it's the thought that counts.
people haven't been all they seemed recently. i didn't realise people i thought were really nice...could be so mean.
but i suppose that's how we grow right? you spend a couple of months thinking it couldn't get better, and then bam. there's all these couples & people changing & it's just.. I dunno. I guess I miss when we were all so innocent & just kids. it was a little easier then, in year 9 & 10. we didn't have the whole of our futures resting on just a dozen silly exams. which btw, if we fail, means we can't get into sixth form. which means no a levels. which means no university. which means no job.
so.
& not only that. but it seems every guy I even start to like falls in love with someone who's
a) prettier
b) more confident
c) more popular
or d) & most annoying all of them.
which isn't their fault I know. but it'd be nice for a guy to look at me for a change & think wow. because I don't think that's ever happened. like, ever.
I think..you get a reputation from middle school & when you're younger. that's what I'd like to blame it on, though I know it's because of all my faults which I won't go into. I don't want to get more depressed.
but sometimes I just think maybe I should have done this, or this.. & then they wouldn't ignore me quite so much.
and because i'm meant to be the happy one
I don't want to tell anyone any of this. because i'm scared that then I won't quite fit in anymore- everyone has their place. i'm the little innocent quiet happy one. & i like that. i like when my friends look out for me that little bit more. i like when the boys pick me up, as much as i tell them i don't. it makes me feel like I matter, & just reassures me that i'm not turning invisible. but because i'm so "quiet" no one hears me when I speak.. so i have to poke or hit people to even get them to notice me. which is kinda suckish. & i want so much to tell people who mean a lot to me just how much they do, like how when I see them I feel that little bit safer, or get a little fuzzy feeling of happiness inside by being around people I care about. i know if I do say it, it'll come out totally wrong & i'll look like a complete & utter idiot. more than usual i mean, when i'm not falling over or feeling awkward or not saying something when i should, or daydreaming in class so i don't know what's happening.
i wish i could stick up for people when i want to & not be afraid. i hate that.
so. i think maybe i'd just like to find a guy who listens to me. & could maybe tell when i want to talk but can't, & just understand that & not think i'm being moody. anyone? just someone nice would be perfectly perfect. there's 6 billion people on this planet, that's makes about 3 billion guys. one of them's gotta be right for me.